A NEAR GENIUS

At different periods throughout my life, depending upon the position of the moon and stars or something like that, I have had what is commonly referred to as brainstorms. I have really experienced these storms in abundance. As a matter of fact, in my time, I have almost figured out and then disproved Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. I almost discovered a cure for most of the dread diseases, a vaccine for the mentally ill, common sense in pill form and a surefire cure for all international disputes.

I have been absolutely brilliant! A near genius during these violent upsurges of the gray matter, a near ‘bout mental giant. I could have made Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson and Eli Whitney look like school children. I just know I could! But, it seems that just as the last small piece of my theory, idea or thought was actually falling into place that I was suddenly distracted. Thus, absolutely shattering my carefully conceived notions never to be pieced together again. Scattered to the four winds of the earth!

It seems that at the very moment of consummation, along comes the same attraction every time……a beautiful American female. I don’t mean anything average. I mean Miss America, Miss USA and Miss World, all rolled up into one!

No matter where I am, at that very last instant when I am about to come up with THE ANSWER, I look up and see one of these lovely, sultry beauties approaching. Lithe as a yearling tiger, as beautiful as a summer rose, as fresh as a spring violet and with the movements of a fresh caught rainbow trout!

She walks up to me reeking of homogenized jasmine, lilacs, new mown hay and pinesol saying, "Good morning, what may I do for you today?" I have yet to tell her that I was just before discovering an effective anti-gravitational force. At moments like this, I forget all about my earth shattering ideas and usually stammer some idiotic reply like, "Huh?" In one second flat, I lose my near genius status and have yet to control my composure long enough to attempt to make her acquaintance!

She looks at me sadly and walks away with all of my brilliant ideas and theories.

Figuring if I could keep these distractions to the absolute minimum I could accomplish something worthwhile I went so far as to forming the Society of Near Geniuses…..SONG for short! We gave serious thought to having laws passed to force these lovelies to drape themselves in veils and sackcloth while in public. Then thinking of the lack of originality we disbanded with the realization that in societies that had tried such drastic measures they had seldom got beyond a good trade on camels. Unless they struck oil, of course!

So down through the years, I have struggled with my dilemma and earnestly hoped that age would come to my rescue and cure the problem. Then, at last, I could find my answers.

Age hasn’t helped one damned bit. You’d be surprised how many attractive grandmothers there are in this country!"

So, I’ve decided, to hell with it! Let someone else make all these important discoveries. From here on in I’m going to enjoy the role of a near genius.

I have a lot of catching up to do!